Jesse Jarnow

ordovician archives

paris hilton’s vagina bites penguin (ordovician archives, no. 6)

Dr. Tuttledge shares his disappointment that the email did not actually contain a link.

From: baxter Mol

Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2008 17:49:25 +0100

Subject: Paris Hilton’s Vagina Bites Penguin



Dr. Tuttledge expresses his thanks to MVB for this glorious example of outrageous political racketeering. And though we here at the Ordovician archives cannot endorse 419 scams or their perpetrators, we greatly appreciate Senator Obama’s willingness to engage in contemporary mediums. His understanding of the form is absolutely elegant.

From: mailfromobamacompany

Date: Jun 25, 2008 10:19 PM



Dear lucky winner

Obama bank,group of company all over the world and heself Barack Obama has given you a free load and award which is about $700,000.00,usds.,which will be transfer to your account immediately, The reason for this free offer is because obama has beena very successful person in his life and bank,companies and

investments over the world, The director manager of obama bank, when to , yahoo inc, , , and otheremailaddress searching websites to collect some valid email address of people which they will transfer some amount of dollars to their account,.they only collected ten people
email address in the whole world,and they are given this sum of amount to each of this people as a promotion to celebrate the successfulness in the their business ,and also it is also so sponsored by some other group of companies,
promotion will only last for two months

barack obama

If you are lucky to be one of the ten chosen people,just complete the form below

BANK ACCOUNT…………………………..

After Completing The Form,Send It To Our Company Payment Department Email
Address:[email protected] , for your money to be transfer to your account Imeediately…………

Note: You Must Complete The Forms Before Replying This Massage To Enable Us transfer Your Money Without Any Mistake And E.t.c.

Congratulation Once More

ruth (ordovician archives, no. 4)

Since the last update from’s Ordovician Archives, Dr. Tuttledge has traveled to Nigeria. Though he has remained in constant contact regarding his collection of oral histories related to the narratives transmitted by what he deemed “Urgent Message” artifacts (classified as “419 scams” by other scholars), Dr. Tuttledge has been unable to maintain his own observational work. The Center for Anthropological Computing — whose ever-expanding collections continue to be stored in Manhattan — has received applications for our still-open intern position, though none have yet met Dr. Tuttledge’s exacting standards.

In the meantime, we would like to present one new discovery that has earned a spot in the Archives. It is a classic type 1 goods-for-sale message, but it mimics the form of a MySpace notification. It is a strategy that employs the message type’s perfect ubiquity to cloak it against both humans and electronic filters. All of us here at the CAC are duly impressed and doff our hats. (The accompanying gibberish is pretty interesting, as well.)

From: New MySpace Message

Date: Saturday, October 7, 2006 2:32 AM

Subject: New message from Ruth on MySpace sent on Oct 07 02:20:00 -4 2006
You’ve got a new song from Ruth on MySpace!

Click here to hear your MySpace music:

Click here to get 5-free songs downloaded to Your Space:


At MySpace we care about your privacy. We have sent you this notification to facilitate your use as a member of the MySpace service. If you don’t want to receive emails like this to your external email account in the future, change your Account Settings to “Do not send me notification emails”

Click here to change your Account Settings:


MySpace Inc. – 1900 Wilshire Blvd. 2109, Los Angeles, CA 90403-5400 USA

©2006 MySpace Inc. All Rights Reserved

5. EXPORT RESTRICTIONS. Licensee agrees not to export or re-export the Licensed Materials to any country, person, entity or end user subject to U.S.A. export restrictions. Licensee warrants and represents that neither the U.S.A. Bureau of Export Administration nor any other federal agency has suspended, revoked or denied Licensee’s export privileges. By installing the Software, Licensee agrees to the foregoing and Licensee is representing and warranting that they are not located in, under the control of, or a national or resident of any such country.
1. Game overview
– What makes it different from other systems?
the wrapper-script named ‘curl’ that is a front-end to curl in this case.
– Debian bug report 338681 by Jan Kunder: make curl better detect and report
Added support for a second FTP server in the test suite. Named… ftp2.
Assess CMP compliance
compliance with the terms hereof, permits you to Use
– Nodak Sodak reported a crash when using a SOCKS4 proxy.
Daniel (14 March 2005)
Nationals or the U.S. Commerce Department‚s Table of Deny
with any of your obligation or conditions of this Agreement.
switching between 25/50 lines.
(Temporarily) disabled the ability to re-use an existing connection for the
To create a “No Networking” hardware profile,
libcurl imports SSPI functions from secur32.dll. However, under Windows NT
10. If you wish to incorporate parts of the Program into other free
Capture/Review LL
formpost part, without special characters having special meanings etc like
authorized to Operate or use the Product in any way.
– Now the test script disables valgrind-testing when the test suite runs if
Intel 740
distribution and on any media you distribute that includes
buffer. If it is set to 0, the default size (0x10000 bytes) is used.
of strerror_r() API that is used when cross-compiling. If __GLIB__ is
a). Trial Version.
– “Proxy-Connection: Keep-alive”
– Define CURL_MULTIEASY when building libcurl (lib/easy.c to be exact), to use
8. TERM. The license granted hereunder is effective until
Diffie-Hellman key types.
# try the stock configs to see if the problem is a configuration
agree that the Product may be subject to restrictions and
Can have one of the following values:
4.2.5Software Configuration Management
OSSMA ˆ Office of Systems Safety & Mission Assurance
of digit and/or symbols provided to you by the Company

museum of natural history, no. 2: ordovician snails, 4/06

Museums, and especially the Museum of Natural History, are intended to be places of learning. We look at exhibits, read the labels, and are educated. But we are bombarded with facts, and they tend to blur into glorious half-truths. On the mezzanine of the Hall of Ocean Life (what my inner seven-year old still calls “the underwater room”), there are a bunch of dioramas of what the bottom of the ocean maybe/mighta/kinda looked like in a few different prehistoric ages (one of them being the Ordovician) in various places (one of them being an ocean over present-day Ohio). Dang if I can remember the actual facts, but I sure remember the wild colors. Have I been educated? Absolutely.

pendostanets! (ordovician archives no. 3)

It’s been almost a year since we’ve presented anything from our vast (and daily expanding) Ordovician Archives. Dr. Tuttledge remains in Taiwan, researching. (His collection continues to lie in storage in Manhattan.) We continue, as we can, without him.

One recent development, at least in the blogosphere, is the proliferation of teams of conversational salesmen posting advertisements in the comments sections of blogs. They are the Ordovician equivalent of traveling hucksters who might sidle up to potential customers at a bar and sell them goods and services. Except these salesmen are retarded. Though their offered products span all nine categories of Dr. Tuttledge’s classification system, they are incapable of hawking more than one item. Most frequently, they will begin conversations about poker, no matter what a blog posting is about.

A recent specimen, not having to do with poker, is most fascinating. It was submitted on March 15th as a comment on a previous posting about the New York Word Exchange.


IP Address:
Name: Pendostanets
Email Address: [email protected]


Following the URL, one is rewarded with a “server not found” notification. Yet, the post is quite emphatic about this pendostanets thing. It is, after all, the name of the poster, his email address, his URL, and the entirety of his comment. Pendostanet’s primative means of expression recalls Arrested Development‘s Steve Holt (“Steve Holt!”).

A Google search of the word merely turns up other instances of Mr. Pendostanets posting about himself (“Pendostanets!”) on other blogs. One can only conclude that Pendostanets is no product at all, but some sort of code word for the initiated. Which we are not.

If anyone has any information as to the existence or whereabouts of this Mr. Pendostanets, please contact the Center for Anthropological Computing via the comments section of this blog.

a tip of the hat

We at, as duly named representatives for the Friends of the Center for Anthropological Computing, would like to offer a tip o’ the hat to Rob and his fine work in reconstructing the narrative of “Alicia.” She is a true Ordovician!

a sampling

Spam received between 5:15 am and 5:15 pm on Saturday, 5 February 2005, organized according to Dr. Harold Tuttledge’s classification system by spam type and listed by sender.

0. No content
[email protected] (2/6/05, 12:10 pm)
[email protected] (2/6/05, 11:50 am)
Dion Cotton (2/6/05, 8:39 am)
Donald H. Callahan (2/6/05, 8:38 am)
Donovan Jewell (2/6/05, 6:32 am)
Beverley Fletcher (2/6/05, 6:29 am)
Ismael Peck (2/6/05, 5:16 am)

0.1 Foreign language
Adan Sea (2/6/05, 1:17 pm)
�U�����~���?��r�W�l�X�`�����X (2/6/05, 10:01 am)

0.2 English nonsense
Lange (2/6/05, 7:44 am)

1. Goods
Monique (2/6/05, 4:39 pm)
Jennifer A. Clark (2/6/05, 4:28 pm)
Phoebe Frazier (2/6/05, 3:44 pm)
Rosemarie Givens (2/6/05, 3:36 pm)
Preston Murphy (2/6/05, 2:35 pm)
Harry Crane (2/6/05, 1:09 pm)
Benita Wiseman (2/6/05, 12:05 pm)
Darcy Cernvantes (2/6/05, 11:39 am)
Rickie Bell (2/6/05, 11:32 am)
Deidre Reeves (2/6/05, 10:56 am)
[email protected] (2/6/05, 10:13 am)
Carlton (2/6/05, 9:39 am)
Ella Fenton (2/6/05, 9:32 am)
Felice Mungan (2/6/05, 8:09 am)
Beryl Fisher (2/6/05, 7:53 am)
Mike Cameron (2/6/05, 7:45 am)
ZNPI New York Gzlobal (2/6/05, 6:03 am)
Tammie Parrish (2/6/05, 5:35 am)
Tamika England (2/6/05, 5:31 am)

1.1 Insurance (2/6/055, 11:30 am)

2. Urgent Messages
no examples received

3. Real Estate
Hattie (2/6/05, 10:07 am)
Twila Albert (2/6/05, 9:35 am)
Scott Holden (2/6/05, 8:40 am)
Saman (2/6/05, 7:16 am)

4. Work at Home
no examples received

5. Elegant chains and investment opportunities
Chris Erickson (2/6/05, 4:35 pm)
Ernie Ponce (2/6/05, 4:06 pm)
Rosemary Souza (2/6/05, 3:02 pm)
Wilfred Petty (2/6/05, 1:41 pm)
Brandy Culley (2/6/05, 1:05 pm)
Sydel Buske (2/6/05, 1:04 pm)
Lacey Rasmussen (2/6/05, 1:03 pm)
Philip Kirkpatrick (2/6/05, 12:42 pm)
Anita Chan (2/6/05, 12:23 pm)
Greg Heard (2/6/05, 12:17 pm)
Sharron Tipton (2/6/05, 12:11 pm)
Camille Bassett (2/6/05, 10:39 am)
Tonya Lin (2/6/05, 10:28 am)
Luke Velz (2/6/05, 10:21 am)
Sebastian Ash (2/6/05, 9:16 am)
Sally Carlisle (2/6/05, 8:33 am)
Wendy Askew (2/6/05, 6:50 am)

6. Pornography
Alvaro Randall (2/6/05, 4:43 pm)
Cotopaxi O. Angle (2/6/05, 4:26 pm)
Lucy (2/6/05, 3:40 pm)
Christy Ashley (2/6/05, 3:08 pm)
Henderson (2/6/05, 2:44 pm)
Roland Paul (2/6/05, 2:04 pm)
Doug Wilson (2/6/05, 12:52 pm)
Crystal (2/6/05 12:44 pm)
Stuff Q. Detests (2/6/05, 12:19 pm)
Lily (2/6/05, 12:12 pm)
Dustin Rouse (2/6/05, 11:30 am)
Gogol K. Depths (2/6/05 10:39 am)
Lisa (2/6/05, 8:28 am)
Crystal (2/6/05, 6:45 am)
Paltry O. Kathiawar (2/6/05, 6:06 am)

7. Personal appearance and general health
Clint Oliver (2/6/05, 8:06 am)

7.1 Drug distribution
Noah Devine (2/6/05, 4:45 pm)
Jason Barnier (2/6/05, 4:37 pm)
Ola Surez (2/6/05, 3:57 pm)
Bob Haines (2/6/05, 1:36 pm)
Althea Flowers (2/6/05 1:31 pm)
Luciano Mckay (2/6/05, 1:06 pm)
Lionel Newton (2/6/05, 11:33 am)
Kristin Magee (2/6/05, 11:32 am)
Niki (2/6/05, 10:58 am)
Drew Ames (2/6/05, 10:20 am)
Kevin Bynum (2/6/05 10:00 am)
King Ashton (2/6/05, 9:32 am)
Janey Taylor (2/6/05, 9:32 am)
Johnnie Browning (2/6/05, 9:28 am)
Donnie Melvin (2/6/05, 9:02 am)
Wilson Briggs (2/6/05, 8:58 am)
Jacquelyn G. Joiner (2/6/05, 8:56 am)
Delia Solomon (2/6/05, 8:31 am)
Barney Hutchins (2/6/05, 8:30 am)
Morton Frasier (2/6/05, 7:45 am)
Garland Garrick (2/6/05, 7:45 am)
Emilio Ortega (2/6/05, 7:06 am)
Roosevelt Webber (2/6/05, 7:03 am)
Yvonne Hicks (2/6/05, 6:24 am)
Ed (2/6/05, 6:14 am)
Raymon Boberg (2/6/05, 6:13 am)
Augusta Maria (2/6/05, 5:42 am)
Maria Harden (2/6/05, 5:42 am)
Geoffrey Levitin (2/6/05, 5:35 am)

8. Sexual performance and mating
Raul Muller (2/6/05, 5:15 pm)
Beck Amip (2/5/05, 4:59 pm)
Ariana Rivera (2/6/05, 4:58 pm)
Tim (2/6/05, 4:59 pm)
Kenton Ybarra (2/6/05, 4:46 pm)
Inez Sanford (2/6/05, 4:24 pm)
h Quinn Incoporated (2/6/05, 3:45 pm)
Tabitha Langston (2/6/05, 3:31 pm)
Parmutations C. Capsizes (2/6/05, 3:31 pm)
Entreating T. Ballot (2/6/05, 3:17 pm)
Synopsized M. Anguished (2/6/05, 3:17 pm)
Sean Bell (2/6/05, 2:50 pm)
Connie Burrell (2/6/05, 2:42 pm)
Keisha L. Rangel (2/6/05, 12:53 pm)
Karl Emerson (2/6/05, 12:53 pm)
Kerri Novak (2/6/05, 12:23 pm) (2/6/05, 12:10 pm)
Nathan Henson (2/6/05, 12:02 am)
Vilma Ross (2/6/05, 10:18 am)
k Belcher Inc. (2/6/05, 10:17 am)
Brain (2/6/05, 9:45 am)
[email protected] (2/6/05, 9:37 am)
Weston Ramierz (2/6/05, 9:09 am)
Liver K. Elongated (2/6/05, 8:46 am) (2/6/05, 8:27 am) (2/6/05 (8:16 am)
Delbert (2/6/05, 8:11 am)
Cristina J. Vazquez (2/6/05, 8:07 am)
Bettie Key (2/6/05, 8:06 am)
Rachelle Springer (2/6/05, 5:17 am)

9. Anti-spam devices
Gordon Harding (2/6/05, 10:26 am)
SurfClean (2/6/05, 9:58 am)
Margaret Booth (2/6/05, 7:59 am)

swing s. chrysler

I don’t have Dr. Tuttledge’s classification scheme handy, but I just got a pretty interesting piece of spam, in what (to me) is a new category: the diatribe.

The Dylan lyric caught my eye first, and I thought for a second that it might be a letter from an angry leader. But then I looked closer, and saw that the spambot was just pulling from a topical database, in this case stocked with stern aphorisms. There’s actually some remarkably sage stuff in thar.

(For best effect, read first paragraph or two, then skip to bottom.)

From: Swing S. Chrysler
Date: Friday, January 21, 2005 2:28 PM
Subject: (SPAM?) Ave! 🙂

Well! He who is not busy being born is busy dying. I didn’t find my friends the good Lord gave them to me. Other people’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality. One does a whole painting for one peach and people think just the opposite — that particular peach is but a detail.

A great fortune depends on luck, a small one on diligence.

He is useless on top of the ground he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages. Remember you are just an extra in everyone else’s play. Man may be defined as the animal that can say ”I,” that can be aware of himself as a separate entity. Know-how will surpass guess-how. Laughter is the cipher key wherewith we decipher the whole man

Great people talk about ideas. Small people talk about other people. Old age is not a matter for sorrow. It is matter for thanks if we have left our work done behind us.

Friendship is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.

An aim in life is the only fortune worth finding.

Pure truth cannot be assimilated by the crowd it must be communicated by contagion. Thou art all ice. Thy kindness freezes. Calamity is virtue’s opportunity. Where the heart lies, let the brain lie also. The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.A short absence is the safest. It’s fun being a kid. Refuse the evil, and choose the good. [Isaiah 7:15] A man’s feet must be planted in his country, but his eyes should survey the world.

To look at the cross-section of any plan of a big city is to look at something like the section of a fibrous tumor. Since when do you have to agree with people to defend them from injustice?

[THEN: graphic of sultry female face with caption, “pussies and ass filled with cum”]